Letting go

This has been a milestone couple of days. Man of My Dreams decided to take Number 1 to visit his mother in Wales over this long weekend. YES, I let my 4 and a half year old go to Wales ALONE with a man I can just about trust to put his own clothes away in his wardrobe. And the worst is that as my first born, my dil ka tudka, my aankhon ka taara drove away chattering happily to his father, I realised that this is just going to keep happening.

As various friends and relatives tried to heal my broken heart and soothe my maternal longing with a balm of gentle words and ‘puch puching’, I came to the conclusion that he was never going to leave me again. Call it double standards, I mean, I leave them all the time for work (but that is purely to be able to pay for all those perks like Ben 10 watches and Achoo dolls so it doesn’t count), but I just feel that I made him and I should get to decide what to do with him at all times.

To further rub salt in my wound, Number 2 just started school by herself yesterday. I watched her being dragged from me, crying hysterically and I am convinced you could hear the sound of my heart breaking from here to Alaska. Of course I promptly returned home after the devastating experience and told Man of My Dreams I didn’t think school was that big a deal anyway – I mean did our kids have to go? What I resent is that Man of my Dreams and everybody else around seem to think this is some Mommy melodrama I am indulging in and I will get over it in a few days. What they need to understand is I will NEVER GET OVER IT. For Heaven’s sake, they are my cookies, I baked them in my oven and I get to call all the shots.

Interestingly enough, since the boys were away, Number 2 and I moved in with the Source of all Wisdom (my Mother) and as I lay there in my old room, those frozen memories came back to me. My Father begging me to have a cuddle with him while I dismissed him again and again due to some ‘important’ phone call, some friend who I had to meet, some TV show to catch up on. Sheepishly, I addressed this with the Source of all Wisdom and she said ‘Of course you have to let go….such is the way of life, but you know why Papa wanted to be with you all the time? Because he already saw you flying off to live your own life….Just like your kids have started doing. So stop being silly and watch them soar!’

I suppose even the Source of all Wisdom felt bad when I left my Maika on Sunday but she very graciously allowed me to get back to my life, having cherished the moments we had together…there is definitely something to learn from that.

Hmmm….but everyone did say I was more like my Dad! So watch out kids, I will be that Mom who slobbers kisses all over you through your lives, I will be that Mom who cries every time you take that next step (not only because it is that next step, but because it is that next step away from me) and I will be that Mom who will only let go kicking and screaming. After all, who EVER thought of such a ridiculous concept of letting go of your own very heart….and I am lucky enough to have that extra life….I have two hearts….